Poor Mr Bulbin!
by LittleBlueNayru
Summary: Random Humorous TWOshot! Zelda's hyperactivity prompts her to make an insightful insight, which leads to a not-so-happy day for Ganondorf, or anyone, really. Poor Mr. Bulbin!
1. Poor Mr Bulbin!

Disclaimer: I don't own SSBB. Simple as that.

Ok, this idea just randomly came to me one day after playing SSBB on the Bridge of Eldin stage. I don't read a lot of SSB fics, so if someone's already done this, I didn't know, I'm sorry, and no I did not fricking plagiarize.

An attempt at humor will now commence.

* * *

Poor Mr. Bulbin

It was quiet for once in the Smash Manor. It was too early to brawl, and many people had not woken up yet. Saturdays were not meant for 6 am. However, five people were eating breakfast together in the silence of early morning.

Link was having cold Gourmet Soup for breakfast, which Toon Link and Young Link were giving disgusted looks. Across the table, Ganondorf sighed at their immaturity and resumed eating his bacon. Zelda was peeling her orange, when she suddenly stopped.

"Poor Mr. Bulbin," she said randomly. Her fellow Smashers turned to look at her.

The Links had their conference "it's her crazy time of day" look on their faces, and were watching her every move to make sure she didn't do something potentially dangerous, like the day before. Ganondorf decided that he wanted to know what exactly Zelda was about to go on about and said, "Pardon?"

Zelda turned her head back and forth to look at her four person audience. "Well, you know how we fight on the Bridge of Eldin?"

"Yeah..." the Links and Ganondorf said in unison.

"And you know how King Bulbin runs across the stage on Lord Bulbo?"

"Yeah..."

"And how he sometimes drops a bomb and blows up the middle?"

"Yeah..."

"And how sometimes a Bulbin follows behind him pathetically?"

"Yeah..." the Links said, for once without Ganondorf. Yes, he remembered all this stuff, but he wanted to get back to his bacon. Impatiently, he said, "Where exactly are you going with this already?!"

"Well, sometimes the Bulbin runs behind him after he drops a bomb," Zelda said, "And then when the Bridge blows up he either blows up too or falls in the river."

"Very astute of you," Ganondorf said sarcastically. "What about it?"

"Poor Mr. Bulbin," Zelda said simply, explaining her statement from before.

"Yes, yes, what a tragedy!" Ganondorf snapped, wanting to eat his delectable bacon. "We will all mourn the deaths of the countless Bulbins who follow King Bulbin over the Bridge to their death! Now can I please eat my breakfast?!"

Without waiting for a reply, he tucked into his fatty strips of meat.

"Woah..." Toon Link said suddenly, as if having an epiphany.

"What?!" Ganondorf asked.

"She's right," Toon Link said, turning to a Zelda who was beaming at being right. "Poor Mr. Bulbin."

"Hey, yeah!" Link said.

Ganondorf made a very loud noise of disgust as Zelda, Toon Link, and Link went to arrange a funeral for "Mr. Bulbin". They quickly finished eating and then ran off to get dressed in black and prepare for the funeral. Ganondorf leaned over the table and started rubbing his temples. "How is it that I am always bested by idiots in Hyrule?" he muttered.

"Hey, I don't know," Young Link said, taking a swig of Link's forgotten cold Gourmet Soup. He looked at the bottle in shock. "Hey, this is still pretty good!"

Ganondorf grumbled.

Young Link looked back at Ganondorf. "Hey, at least today her hyper hour doesn't involve you," he said, before taking another swig of soup.

Ganondorf grumbled again, muttering darkly into his bacon, doubtlessly remembering the pink dress Zelda had attempted to force him in the morning before.

* * *

Poor Ganondorf. In a pink Zelda dress.

Like I said before, if you've already done this, I'm sorry, I didn't know...

Review before I send King Bulbo hurtling in your direction...


	2. Poor Mr Bulbinses!

Disclaimer: don't own SSBB

I present to you the first and only Random Humorous TWOshot! Upon request, I have narrated the scene of the funeral. Due to Zelda's OOc-ness and my humor, this will, undoubtedly, prove disastrous. Many other characters are "OOC" in a non-noticeable way for added comedic effect.

So, credit goes to **PensandPaper** for inspiring me to write this chapter, and this is dedicated to them as well as **Midna Hytwilian**, who got Dethl, Dampe, Ezlo, and Shadow Link (YAY!) added to the character list in the Legend of Zelda fanfiction section. SPECIAL THANKS TO ALL OF THEM!!!

Now, we shall see just how horrible Mr. Bulbin's funeral turned out to be... (Warning: some graphic gory images)

* * *

The Funeral

Ganondorf, dressed head to toe in sombre funeral attire, was fuming.

He had been forced into the black robes by Zelda and her EVIL look; the one that said, "do it or you'll find a string of Light Arrows held together by electrically charged barbed wire stuck up your ass, wound through your intestines, shot up your esophagus, and pulled out BOTH your nostrils and then force-fed back down, complete with snot, stomach acid, and shit debris."

Zelda seemed to be directing the EVIL look at Ganondorf a lot today. First after he complained about their throwing a funeral, and then complaining about attending the funeral, and then complaining about abandoning his rather tasty ham sandwich to attend the funeral, and then complaining about dressing in proper funeral clothes for the funeral, and then complaining about having to actually stay at the funeral, and then to shut up complaining at the funeral, and then to keep his little dark cloud of Hatred, Festering Anger, and Emo above his head without causing any distraction.

So Ganondorf was sitting in the second row of the sanctuary with his nice little dark cloud over his head, thoroughly bemoaning _his_ fate rather than Mr. Bulbin's, with Zelda watching his every move from right behind him, Link and Toon Link sobbing their eyes out on either side of him, and Young Link snickering at him from one row behind Zelda and a little ways to the right.

The organ, which Ganondorf had volunteered to play but had been forced out of playing by Zelda and her EVIL look, was still playing one of those horrible draggy funeral songs that were really slow, sad, and boring after a while. Some of the Smashers were still standing, tears leaking out their eyes, condoling each other. Ike, who was positively bawling, was handed a tissue by Marth and patted on the back comfortingly by Roy. After the three swordmen and the Pokemon Trainer with all his Pokemon sat down, in the Pokemons' cases crushing their pew, Master and Crazy Hand glided over to the front of the audience next to the rather small closed casket. Master Hand went up to the podium while Crazy Hand tried to take a seat behind him, and Master Hand inexplicably cleared his throat to gather attention. At once, the remaining noises died down.

Master Hand began in a very solemn voice. "We are here today to honor our dearly departed friend, Mr. Bulbin, who....um.... filled our lives with happiness as we brawled on the Bridge of Eldin stage."

Link blew very loudly into a tissue, and Pit broke down in the back row, and had to be comforted by one of Olimar's Pikmin.

"He was... a good Bulbin..." Master Hand continued awkwardly. True be told, he had not wanted this _at all_. But Zelda, Link, and Toon Link had come up to him whining about it for so long that it attracted the attention of all the other Smashers, which resulted in a heated debate for an hour, with Master Hand, Ganondorf, Samus, Meta Knight and Snake vehemently opposing Crazy Hand's and the rest of the Smashers' wish to throw Mr. Bulbin a funeral. The arguing had stopped only when Zelda had transformed into Sheik and done the EVIL look, which was twice as scary in Sheik form. Master Hand had thought that all these Bulbins were called in for the sole reason of being killed, but _no_, give the Smashers a new toy and all they do is _cry_ about it!

Well, now that the funeral was under way, Master Hand had no choice in the matter.

"He always... ate his vegetables...?" Master Hand struggled for good things to say. "And he followed his King to the bitter end, in the face of the most extreme adversity..." It went unsaid that "extreme adversity" was actually referring to Mr. Bulbin's own King leading him to his death by exploding bridge.

"Anway... we will all miss him terribly, and keep him close to our hearts forever. If anyone would like to add any other words, they may come up and-"

Master Hand was roughly thrown out of the way by a teary-eyed, red-faced Zelda, who had passed the speed of light to get up there before anyone else, and sent Master Hand hurtling through the walls of the sanctuary with her powerful shove, upsetting many tables covered in portraits, flowers and notes, and even the coffin itself. However, nobody noticed except Samus, Snake, Meta Knight, and Ganondorf, who all had seriously disturbed looks on their faces as their fellow Smashers dissolved into tears around them.

Zelda grabbed the microphone on the edge of the podium and yanked it to her face, destroying its internal workings in the process. However, she immediately began her eulogy in such a loud voice that the microphone would have been unnecessary anyway.

"I TRIED TO STOP HIM!!!" Zelda cried. "I TRIED TO STOP HIM BUT HE WOULDN'T LISTEN!!! I EVEN HAD TO HIT SOME SENSE INTO HIM BUT HE STILL FOLLOWED KING BULBIN OVER THE BRIDGE AND TO HIS DEATH!!! OH, MR. BULBIN, WHAT DID YOU DO TO DESERVE SUCH A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE DEATH?! HE WAS A GOOD BULBIN!!! HE DIDN'T DESERVE THIS FATE!!! WHY, CRUEL GODS ABOVE, WHY?!!!!!"

"That is all. Thank you."

By now, the four sane Smashers were all staring at Zelda with a mixture of irritation, exasperation, wariness, shock, and disturbed-ness. Ganondorf raised a thick eyebrow, which twitched violently.

Master Hand stirred, groaned, and shook rubble off himself, and shakily glided back over to the podium, gently ushering Zelda, who had her head down on it sobbing profusely, off to the side. "Um... I guess we shall commence the burial now..." Master Hand said.

Then he and Crazy Hand picked up the slightly splintered coffin, and carried it out to a hole on the grounds of the Smash Mansion. The Smashers followed, and as the Hands set it down next to the hole, the Smashers mixed in with the crowd of villagers and authors and people who were visiting for Mr. Bulbin's funeral. Many fangirls surrounded the majority of the guys, most of whom were too sad to be freaked out by all the rabid attention. Marth, Ike, Roy, and Pit, for example, were positively swarmed with girls both drooling over them and consoling them, Toon Link and Young Link had girls fussing over their "cuteness", and a dark-haired, slightly tan girl with glasses dressed in all black was sobbing, or more likely pretend-sobbing, on Link's shoulder, alternately crying, smiling and winking, and giving a thumbs-up to someone unseen amid the masses. Link didn't seem to mind at all.

The dirge kept playing as the Hands signaled a speaker over, who opened a thick book and began reciting something boring about moving on to better places and living a fulfilling life. Many Smashers sobbed. Four took aspirin. The Smashville villagers and animals were all staying quiet and serious-faced to placate the Smashers, but the various authors walking around were, for the most part, more bubbly. They were chatting to each other, making jokes, and some were hanging around their favorite Smasher. The Hands were just lowering the casket into the hole in the ground when a horn sounded.

Then the earth began to shake.

And King Bulbin began charging through the crowd with a batallion of Bulbins on Bulbos, yelling, "What do you think you're DOING with my minion?!" The Bulbins shot off flaming arrows into the crowd, sometimes swinging maces at people's heads.

All at once, the funeral was pandemonium. The villagers and animals and some of the authors scattered as the company of Bulbins stormed in, but most of the authors stayed with the Smashers and began to fight the seemingly never-ending swarms of monsters.

After King Bulbin dismounted Lord Bulbo, he swung his mighty axe and proceeded to duel Link, who was now totally focused on the battle, cheered on by his brunette girl-friend girlfriend, who would occasionally whistle innocently and trip King Bulbin as she cheered. All the rest of the Smashers and authors got busy destroying the ranks of the Bulbin army, often using excessively violent means to achieve this end, with a surplus of enthusiasm. Rocket launchers, swords, and bombs were just a few of the firearms used, and chaos erupted around the gravesite. In the center of it all was a girl, typing away on a laptop, completely unperturbed by the commotion around her except for giving the scene an irritated glance once or twice. About five minutes before the battle ended, she suddenly snapped her laptop shut, got up, and walked through the chaos unscathed to the station at the front of town and the waiting train, which soon after steamed away.

All too soon for the many fighters, the last of the Bulbins fell to the ground with strangled croaks. In the suffocating silence that followed, the adrenaline-powered warriors took pause to fully comprehend the bloodbath.

Dead Bulbos lay collapsed over everything; crushed chairs, crushed Bublins, and even crushed stones from the walkway leading into the sanctuary. Bublins lay draped over the Bulbos, or over chairs, or stuck between the bars of chairs, or stuck in the ground by too many weapons to count. King Bublin had met his end when Zelda had taken advantage of Link's girl-friend girlfriend's lastest tripping of the King and stolen the mighty Bulbin's giant axe, giving him an EVIL glare and a...rather hard... hit to the head. The left side of his body was slouching on a fence, and the right side lay sprawled in a bloody red mess on the ground, limbs and various internal organs twisting in ways they ordinarily would not.

And the corpses did not count for even half the awful scene. The grass, flowers, and walkway were all dyed the same shade of unholy red, occasionally littered with some unidentifiable _thing_ or another, which, although unidentified, was better left unknown, ambiguous as somebody's something. Very few of the chairs surrounding the gravesite were still upright, or even intact. The tent had fallen down over the hole, and the upturned poles had sprayed small piles of dirt in random places. Mr. Bulbin's coffin was splinters now, and Mr. Bulbin now resembled nothing that could be given a name. Plenty of expensive vases, carpets, and other ornaments appropriate of a funeral were broken beyond repair, the only things still shining in the dirty dark mess.

The carnage, to say the least, was gruesome.

As this revelation wore in, the Smashers and authors visibly deflated, rudely brought down from the high of the battle. Zelda, who had been the most vicious during the fight, now covered her gasping mouth with delicate gloved hands, tears welling in her eyes as she beheld the sight of the slaughter before her.

Suddenly, she burst out crying, collapsing to the ground. "Oh, _NO!!!_" she wailed, rubbing tears out of her eyes desperately, "Poor, _poor_ Mr. Bulbinses!!!"

* * *

I love how everything was brought back around in a circle... :)

Did you notice how Ganondorf loves pigs? It's like a tribute to his boar form. He was eating bacon last chapter, and a ham sandwich. I wanted to have him eat pork or roast Bulbo for dinner, but it was good where it ended.

I really had fun with this chapter....as you can see.

Once again, special thanks go out to** PensandPaper** and **Midna Hytwilian**. Midna Hytwilian makes a cameo appearance in this story as "Link's girl-friend girlfriend".

I actually made a little cameo as the typing person, the one Hytwilian was winking to. This serves a future use in _The Fishing Tourney_.

And if you happen to be a _Gone Fishing _fan waiting for _The Fishing Tourney_, it will be posted after _Civil War_ and _Gone Fishing: The Fishing Failure Chronicles_ is finished. So, not for a while.


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